Grindr. A mixed bag of balls by all accounts. I will tell you a story that is true.  Having used grindr periodically on-and-off on a whim-based basis over a few years, I decided to try an experiment…

While setting up an account, I set my height to the maximum available setting making me around ten feet tall. I set my weight setting to the lowest possible bracket also which I think was around 40 kilograms. On the about you slugline I applied “hung ten-foot space lizard” and got to work.

The point of the exercise was not to be deliberately weird, but to apply some much needed lateral creative thinking to what is an otherwise mundane activity of going through the motions to find fun.

What was interesting were the humorous and accommodating responses to my opening gambits posing a well-endowed human-reptile chimera, many of which bore fruit, as opposed to the chilling and hideously over-labored “hey hows u”.

There is much in-house gay hating of Grindr, it may be reductive perhaps crass or maybe even crude but at least it transparently knows what it is and where it stands, and makes no attempt to befool anyone otherwise. It’s pretty much Ronseal, and because of that it is principally unpretentious, this is not because of its programming (although there is significantly less bugs than Tinder) but because most of the guys who use it are using it in a different way to comparable platforms and as result it is more fun.

Once subscribed, an unlimited level of blocks becomes available giving you the freedom to eject the dreamers and non-lizard loving users flying off into the brozone layer willy-nilly ensuring your continued enjoyment and freedom, and it’s as simple as that.

That is not to say that it is without its foibles, as there are probably users who may actually believe they are a ten-foot lizards. Furthermore, real love is not impossible within its orange and charcoal matrices either as there are many married gay couples who found each other there.

Grindr can be fun, and their new health check features are very sensible, responsible and progressive. So next time a lizard says hi, feel free to reply, but never with….”hows u”

Bede Robinson